I wish I drove a snowplough

So, imagine this.  Work starts at 0900, it’s 0845, time to destination 9 mins, your 9 minutes estimate has taken into account: rush hour traffic, the unexpected OAP on their last warning and the lollipop lady.  Assuming you always park in the same place you can reliably calculate it’ll take you 1 minute to find a parking space and then time from carpark to ward is 3 mins.  Careful calculation of sleep-time savings should therefore get you into work with exactly 2 minutes to spare.  Boom! Adulting at its finest.

You pull up to the turn and there is a queue, you know why that is, it’s no longer half term (you took that into account when you left the house and added 45mins to your journey).  As you pull off from the green light you spot the ever-neon lollipop lady, lets call her Susan.  You perform a quick hazard perception, most kids are already in their classes but there’s always a late-comer. Aha, you spot them over there walking briskly up the pavement.  Time=Distance/Speed (Thank goodness for my A-level Maths!) You’re definitely faster than the toddler and so by the laws of Mathematics you will make it to the crossing before they do, but no Susan has spotted you.  She knows its premature, the kid’s still a full 20secs away but she plants her stick in the middle of the road.  You hit your breaks.  High on her power trip she stands in the middle of the road like Gandalf.  You stare into her soul and smugly smile back “nice try Susan but not today,” On schedule and still feeling a little cocky you set off and then this happens…

Meet Mr or Mrs Straggler, often a miserable, middle-aged, over-weight lone traveller.  Appearing to drive without purpose or direction with zero urgency.  They’re not dressed as if they have a job, they’re not in the right direction for finding a job, they’re not dropping off any children, I can’t think of a single shopping emergency which would get me on the road in rush hour, then why are they on the road?

Following numerous such encounters I feel I have cracked the code.  They ARE the “wanderers” with the sole purpose of creating traffic and civil unrest, probably out on a scenic drive.  You try and overtake but they’re conveniently in the fast lane.  You try and undertake and it’s a buslane. You look in your rear view mirror and the 20-something man in his suit is fighting the same predicament.  For a split second you contemplate the ticket you would get if you did drive into the bus lane…surely it’s worth this. “If only my car could turn into a rocket” but that would be too kind.  “I wish I drove a snowplough” If I did I could ram into the back of them and restore world peace.  Alas, today in my modest fiesta, I am late for work.

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